April 28, 2017

 I feel like I have hit a wall. Not with my new blog but with my job and having PTSD. Luckily for me I had a Therapy session already scheduled and we had a plan to talk about my self criticism but I needed much more after experiencing the level of panic attack I have never achieved before. Yes, achieved is a positive spin on what’s going on in my head. I know the specific warning signs now and know how to get through it (and everyone else involved) in one piece.

My therapist noticed that I was rocking and wringing my hands and instead of asking me if I was OK (which is bothersome to me sometimes simply because people wouldn’t be able to understand the word vomit that would spew forth), he simply asked what was bothering me. This is a language I can understand and can’t shut it down with a simple, ‘fine’ or ‘nothing’. I explained in great detail and I came to an epiphany. Just because I feel something doesn’t make it true. Think about it, how many times have you felt like a failure and stayed in a repetitive cycle because your feelings felt were to be true? SO…this is something that I am now working on. FEELINGS ARE NOT GOSPEL – my mantra today.

I felt better after leaving but still felt like I had a monkey on my back. After sulking and replaying the events of the day that I had at work I realized I had another life changing decision to make: Do I keep going to a job I loathe with every part of my being, to quit? If I quit, do I do it 2 week notice style? Or do I deliberately try to get fired. Being in the career field that I am in, it’s competitive and unfortunately the younger you are, the less money you’ll work for and replace us dinosaurs.

P.S. I hate being an adult sometimes.

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