I’m Still Here: Catching Up

As everyone probably may have noticed, I haven’t been posting all my usual nonsense, stories and pictures. Not even my quick studies of the Havamal has made an appearance. I have a few stolen minutes to myself right now and decided that I am going to use them wisely.

I think the last major post I wrote was about the camp out with other kindreds and pagans a few weeks back. I also expressed my feelings towards a certain individual and his views that he also wrote in an article. Now, I did want to quit all together being an initiate to the kindred but decided that person’s views, whatever they may be about ‘newbies’ is something that isn’t really hurting me but rather showing his true character.

Then there was the job interview. I nailed the phone and the first interview and made it to the second interview. I must have done or said something that made me completely BOMB it. I had plans that Friday to head out of town for the camping trip and made special arrangments so I could make the interview. WEEKS later I got a letter in the mail informing me that I didn’t get the job. This could’ve been summed up in an email or even a voicemail. I left the interview knowing that I didn’t get the job…it was a feeling which I completely nailed (always trust your instincts y’all). That night, heading out to the camping destination, not getting the job was the topic of most of my conversations. I felt like no one was going to EVER hire me until I got a FB message from a friend. He’s opening a tattoo shop and wanted to know if I wanted an apprenticeship. I nearly screamed everyone out of the car! I have always wanted to tattoo and he’s going to give me a chance to learn and become a tattoo artist. A dream I’ve had since I was young. I grew up in tattoo shops and my dad always said that I would make a great tattoo artist. I will need to figure out some scheduling issues but I’m all in!

I also have a friend. I know that sounds childish to say but she is awesome and from the kindred. She doesn’t judge and has been coming over to the house almost every weekend to hang out and paint. We talk and text. For those that have been reading my blog understand that I don’t have friends or like being sociable. Baby steps, right? We have been practicing acrylic pour paintings and I have even worked out a deal to have a gallery wall at the local coffee shop to see if any of them will sell. She’s a much needed positive influence that is also creative helping me to keep going.

And then there are my newest members of my family. The kids are growing up so fast and one already has one foot out the door. I never understood what empty nest meant until the kiddos started to plan their lives. I’m super happy for them but also incredibly sad because they aren’t going to need me anymore or have my watchful eye. UGH! So the ball python is Delphi. She isn’t eating for me yet and growing a little concerned but going to give it another week and try again. The other little guy is a leopard gecko which I think will also turn into a breeding project. I think it’s a male but need to wait for him to get a little older before I’m 100% sure. When I have his/her gender that’s when I’ll give it a name. He’s so fun to watch!

I think I’ve gotten all caught up on the MAJOR news in my life or what is important to me (that I can remember). I have massive emails to catch up on, editing and posting pictures, and writing. I didn’t exactly understand what the overtime was doing to my schedule but stolen moments can be utilized. My time is up for the night so happy Monday Y’all! This felt good 🙂

Friendship and Football

The school story is a fiction genre centering on older pre-adolescent and adolescent school life, at its most popular in the first half of the twentieth century. Plots involving sports events, bullies, secrets, rivalry, and bravery are often used to shape the school story. I think the worst part is that I know nothing about boarding school situations as I had attended public school. Harry Potter is often referred to as the reemergence of the genre…yeah like I can do anything like J.K. Rawling. I will attempt a short story of sorts.

---

Our schools were always rivals even from when our parents attended. Years and years of competitiveness and bragging rights after a game won, it just came naturally. It wasn’t something that was taught just something that was. So when my parents moved us to our rivals’ town I wasn’t the happiest kid on the planet. We pulled up to the house and all I felt were the new neighbor kids judging me for being their sworn enemy. ‘Dad, why did we move here? You could have found another job in our old town. You’re doing this just to punish me. I have no friends and won’t have any friends. Do you know what school I’ll have to go to?’ I could see my dad roll his eyes but he let me whine for a little bit before barking, ‘Get out and start taking your boxes to your room. We have the weekend to get this done because you have school on Monday. Might as well get it all over with now.’ That’s when I rolled my eyes.

All weekend we were stared at but Monday at school was even worse. I knew no one and thought I would be able to blend in as just a new student until my first-period teacher spoke, ‘Class, I would like you to welcome Megan to our school. She comes all the way from Tigerton.’ Only two people clapped. I’ve now been sentenced to middle school death. All through the day no one really talked to me and even had a delightful spitball thrown at me. Gym class is what I was great at. When I run or play any kind of sport I tend to relax and zone out all my problems. Today, was dodgeball day. My new classmates learned real fast I have excellent aim and since I don’t have friends I didn’t care about who I slammed with the ball.

Over the next few weeks, the bullying was at a minimum. I think it’s because they have seen I am a force to be reckoned with in gym class. I have managed to make a few friends but not the ones that are popular. They are just as much as outcasts as I am but we had so much fun together and a friendship of honesty, loyalty, and compassion. We enjoyed sleepovers, campouts, and showing each other our hobbies. We rode our bikes to the library to do research on local town legends and to see what kind of trouble we could get into. It was in the middle of fall that we decided to join the experimental all girls football team. There were no flags or touch football. No, we got to play football like the boys did. Later, we learned the only reason our school seemed to be moving forward is that our rival school or my old school were doing the experiment first. Does this make me a rival with my old friends? I haven’t heard from them since I moved.

At practices, my new friends and I were extremely good at the sport. We had no fear. Becuase I had grown close to the twins Sandra and Samantha, Melissa, Ashlee, and Kimber, we were unstoppable. The other girls on our team didn’t really want to hang out with us but that really didn’t matter. They only acknowledged that we existed when our scrimmage team would win. As he leaves began to change colors and the wind had a little more briskness it was the signal of our first game. Outside of all the bullying, outcasting, and ostracizing, we were ready. Ready to prove to the school that it was ok to be different. I was teased about our the first game was at my old school, my new school’s rival. Girls on my own team expressed concerns that I wouldn’t play so the other team would win.

The night before the game my friends and decided that we would have a sleepover to help get over the nervousness. We pigged out on pizza, ice cream, and fell asleep to the movie, ‘The Gate.’ We had watched it a million times so it was more background noise than anything. Before we all had fallen asleep we had made a pact that no matter what happened tomorrow that we would have each other’s back at the game. Both on the field and off the field.

We were sitting in the locker room getting the pep talk from our coach but the truth was no one was really paying any attention. Our nerves were louder than any Go Get Em’ speech. ‘Don’t blow it, Megan. If we lose we will all know where your real loyalty is,’ Stacey said pushing past me. She was one of the most popular girls which meant that she was also the meanest. As we ran onto the field I could hear a familiar voice. One that once brought me comfort and warmth. I looked across the field and seen my best friend Jules. We had grown up together and even had the chicken pox together. She hasn’t called me once since I moved. We made eye contact but sadly she never waved back. At that moment, I not only felt pain but more devoted to my new school and friends.

The first quarter we were down by 7 but it felt like a million. The second quarter we came back ahead by three. I had taken some really hard hits and I could feel it in my back. Sandra and Samantha were the first to tell me to sit the third quarter out after halftime but I really wanted to be in the game. I had to prove to myself that I am as much of a Woodchuck as my friends. I may not have grown up in this town but it is my new home and I’m as much a part of it as anyone else. I made it to the last five minutes of the fourth quarter. Jules and I were set to tackle each other in the next play. She whispered to me that I betrayed her. How in the hell did I betray her? It wasn’t my decision to moves and I couldn’t exactly help it. I groaned getting up off my back. Jules hit me so hard I was seeing spots. My friends were right there asking how many fingers did I see and if I could feel their hands on my legs. I sat up more angry than defeated. Jules smirked over her shoulder while her team was huddled.

‘Megan, sit this one out. You’re hurt. We can do this without you and you gave us a great advantage.’ At that moment it wasn’t my friends telling me all of this, it was my team. My family. This gave me the strength I needed and combine that with my new found devotion I was ready to win. The ball was passed to me and I took off to score the winning touchdown. The twins ran interference and there was great blocking but Jules got through and had me in her sights. I tucked the football in tight dug in deep. Just before I reached the line I could see Jules at my side so I did the only thing I could do. I took the leap for the goal line when I felt the punch to my side. She had rammed into me like a great white shark into its prey. Everything went white.

I woke up on the sidelines with my friends all around me. The first words out of my mouth were, ‘Did I get the touchdown?’ ‘Not only did you score the final touchdown, you got the points we needed to win the game.’ My coach said to me as I was loaded into the ambulance. In my hospital room, my friends didn’t leave my side. I had two broken ribs and a bruised hip. I was going to be released the next day. Jules walked in and my friends formed a wall between her and I. ‘I just wanted to see Megan. How are you doing?’ She asked shyly. ‘She’s fine.’ Kimber spoke with protective authority. ‘Why did you not call?’ I asked over my wall of friends. Jules stepped forward. ‘Guys, can you give us a minute?’ Jules left and my friends entered after she and I finished talking. ‘You ok?’ ‘I’m fine, but one question. Who are we playing next? We have to keep this momentum going.’

---

Jo/© thecreativeptsdgal.wordpress.com

Toxic Friendships

I finally did it! I am so proud of myself and could care less about the consequences coming my way. As I have mentioned before my husband rides in a club. When there are events the women pull together and cook. What I pictured was that all these women, in their property of vests, in a kitchen laughing, cooking, and giving each other secret recipes, and tricks that could be used in cooking. WRONG! What it really means is that the woman who can cook the best does all the work and others take credit for her hard work.

Being from the South, I have been asked to cook biscuits and gravy, collard greens, honey cornbread, BBQ, cornbread stuffing, hams, etc…and I’m not talking about a small crowd either. We’re talking for 50+ men and their properties if they show up. I have done this for years and didn’t feel like I was being taken advantage of until recently and only now realize I was being naive and that this caused A LOT of anxiety.

There’s a major event coming up and my husband already told the men that I will not kill myself cooking this year because I have 2 jobs supporting our family and a new passion I’m trying to nurture. Cooking for the club, I will not do and it will not be my priority. Later that evening, one of the ‘sisters’ comes in the bar (what I now know is a false story) crying about how she will be the only one cooking for all these people and she can’t possibly do it all by herself since one sister has gone to school (fact) and another will be out of town (LIE-later learned). I told her, exhaustively, as I have already been on my feet for 8 hours, that I can cook two sides. I already knew how much food I would have to make and it would either take me all day (before work at the bar) or all night (with a 3 hour nap before work) depending on the day the event fell. My husband picked me up from work and told me that he had already told the men, NO. I was absolutely disgusted! How dare she do that, knowing that I help anyone when they reach out.

I reached out for help with getting food for my family to tie us over until I got paid from the same woman and of course she never replied. Fine, fu%& you, I got this. I decided to casually PM the sister that was going out of town and got the response, ‘I’m not going to be out of town. Who told you that?’ That’s when something snapped in me. Both of these women are quick to use me and talk about me behind my back thinking I don’t know. I confronted her on EVERYTHING from the past few years and finally told her I was done! That took a lot for me to do since they guided me through the world of being a property but not anymore. I don’t need anymore stress, obligations, or toxic friendships.

---

I rather eat crumbs with bums, than steaks with snakes.

Being from the South, I compare these women and their version of friendship to hard to find Copperhead snakes! You don’t know that you’re going to get hurt until you step on one.

‘I rather eat crumbs with bums, than steaks with snakes.’

 

 

---

 

If you believe that your friendships are toxic and are not bringing any joy to your life, evaluate the people and how ya’ll interact. If it’s not positive in any way, the cut ties. It’s OK to protect yourself from these individuals. You will find yourself drowning and being even more unhappy and alone. Do what’s good for your mental well being. Trust me, I feel like a weight has been lifted and feel so much better knowing I no longer have to suffer through their games that they cloak in the word of friendship.