Once Bitten

Yesterday I opened my email and seen that the job posting site I use recommended two jobs. Still, a little shaken (you know the whole once bitten, twice shy scenario) I reluctantly clicked the ‘apply’ button. Then I started remembering my interaction with the last interviewer. I remember feeling like I was less than the person interviewing me. Was I imagining it? Probably. But there was this air around her that she thought she was better than me because she was interviewing me. Her actions, the way she acted bored, how she didn’t shake my hand. All in my head? Maybe. But this is what I do. I overthink EVERYTHING about ANYTHING. It’s like a piece of gum. I chew all the flavor out of it then make everything worse by sticking it in my hair.

My interview is next week. I’m going to dress comfortable but not so casual that I look like I’m just going to the mailbox. I’m going to try and make it as comfortable for me to sit there. I’m going to remember that Facebook ads can only be 20% text and I’m going to remember what a damn pixel is. I’m going to be confident and I’m going to be me. I think my problem was last time was I was pretending to be someone like my interviewer. I’m not better than anyone else. The last interviewer felt cold and decided when first meeting me that she didn’t like me. Still, probably all in my head.

So, YAY! Friday! YAY! Interview. The weekend is going to be full of class work and planning (looks like we have snow moving in meaning I’m not leaving my house). Happy Friday everyone!

The Interview I Blew

Guys let me tell you…I really blew that interview last night. I was confident and thought that I would nail it. I thought that I would be able to quit the job that I have TODAY. I thought I would be happy going to work every day and even dressing a little nicer. I was WRONG WRONG WRONG! I was a horrible interview.

I thought I could control my anxiety and the thoughts running through my head. I thought I could answer all the questions that the interviewer had logically and sound intelligent. This is what CPTSD can do. It can ruin your dreams of getting out from underneath a job that essentially ruined your career from the minute you walked through that door.

At first, everything I did was correct but went south for the winter quicker than the birds up north! I dressed appropriately (regretting the money I spent) and brought my laptop for presentation. She asked about my thought process behind the ads that I needed to create. Blank…yup I, at that moment, had no FUCKING clue what I thought when creating the ads. My memory loss and grasp for words decided it was time to rear her ugly head. Oh, and the poster was supposed to be digital…hmm should’ve guessed that. The Facebook ad can only have 20% text well no shit but when I was creating them I completely forgot about that. I had tunnel vision and was more focused on the task of creating than the parameters. Do you know what a Facebook pixel is? I knew the answer but stupidly replied, ‘I’m sorry what?’  ‘I would like to see some of your work do you have a portfolio. My CPTSD hit the panic button. Lights were flashing and warning buzzards were going off. I muttered that my portfolio link is included with my Indeed resume. ‘No, it’s not there. Do you have anything to show me?’ Well of course not even though I had a folder right on my desktop. ‘ I intelligently muttered, ‘Is there WiFi here?’ GUYS WHO DOES THAT?! She asked me to send her a link. I almost completely shut down.

The interview was over and she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I promptly emailed her a link to my portfolio from the parking lot using my phone. I messaged my husband and told him I didn’t get the job and then I allowed myself to have the panic/meltdown attack that I was holding in. You know the relief you get in your chest from having to hold yourself together. I was no longer awkward and the cloud of noise lifted from head once my butt hit that car seat. After I was done crying I came home and went STRAIGHT to the Indeed website to add my portfolio link. Did you know that it was there? Apparently, she didn’t either. A few minutes later as I’m applying for more jobs the place I interviewed for posted and Indeed said my resume was a match. I read the post and she added more items and I quickly learned she was wanting someone with more experience. Someone that wasn’t me.

I wanted to scream for her to give me chance to see what I’m capable of but I just scrolled past. At this point, I wish anyone would give me a chance that understands what CPTSD can do to a person. I applied for other jobs and I’ll take a Xanax before walking into the interview to quiet everything in my head. I will do my stanza study this evening. I’m contemplating on putting on pants to go to work. Happy Wednesday everyone.

Navigational Weekend

Normally when I’m doing a daily practice, it’s daily. This weekend, on the other hand, was more than just my normal errands. I had to go interview clothes shopping. Let’s rewind back to Thursday. I got an email through my Indeed messenger to set up a phone interview for a ‘Social Media and Creative Specialist’. I cannot express enough how badly I want and need this job. Want-because it’s what I want to do. I was hired where I’m at now to work and create social media, monitor stats (I LOVE THOSE BY THE WAY), write, photograph, comment, and design uniforms. But that’s not what happened. We all know what happened. A family run business was just that. Need it because not only would it be better for my mental health but back into my career field and learning new skills. Back to my phone interview. I scheduled it right after work and during wait time to pick up the kiddos from school (YAY Bluetooth technology set-up in the car). The interview went awesome and right after she scheduled an in-person interview…for tomorrow. I was glowing and ecstatic.

Arriving home I opened my email as instructed to complete 2 action items. I’m so grateful that Adobe had a black Friday sale so I could get my programs back on my laptop because I needed to create a FaceBook ad and poster. I went beyond that yesterday with a video slide presentation music and all. In the email, it was specified ‘business casual’ interview. I didn’t panic until I realized I didn’t have anything that fell in that category. This brings navigating the business casual world. Some pictures showed with jeans some showed with slacks and cute canvas shoes but I didn’t have anything that fell in that category. My clothes, especially now where I work are all casual. If I get this job I’ll need to go shopping for work clothes that are business casual.

This brings me to navigating Christmas and Yule shopping. Crazy doesn’t even cover what it was like. I made the mistake of going to Bath and Body Works. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to just shove someone to the side. The rudeness of people was just absurd. I walked in there with a good mood and I walked out a hating EVERYONE. I walked in two different stores trying to find business casual attire and was immediately overwhelmed but my husband helped. Before you wrinkle your nose he has always helped me pick out clothes (he’s a clothes snob if you will). In fact, before he was with me he was a great dresser then kids happened but that’s a different story. He noticed that my mood was changing and said the magical words, ‘ Let’s go get something to eat.’ Music to my hangry ears.

6 hours later I had to outfits to choose from and most of my holiday shopping complete. Outside of candy for the stockings and something for my mom, I have everything done. I need to dye some grey out of my hair and get things packed for Yule this weekend but my interview tomorrow will have me in a state of anxiety until I hear either way if I have it or not. My regular daily Havamal study will continue this afternoon. Happy Monday everyone!

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