The Interview I Blew

Guys let me tell you…I really blew that interview last night. I was confident and thought that I would nail it. I thought that I would be able to quit the job that I have TODAY. I thought I would be happy going to work every day and even dressing a little nicer. I was WRONG WRONG WRONG! I was a horrible interview.

I thought I could control my anxiety and the thoughts running through my head. I thought I could answer all the questions that the interviewer had logically and sound intelligent. This is what CPTSD can do. It can ruin your dreams of getting out from underneath a job that essentially ruined your career from the minute you walked through that door.

At first, everything I did was correct but went south for the winter quicker than the birds up north! I dressed appropriately (regretting the money I spent) and brought my laptop for presentation. She asked about my thought process behind the ads that I needed to create. Blank…yup I, at that moment, had no FUCKING clue what I thought when creating the ads. My memory loss and grasp for words decided it was time to rear her ugly head. Oh, and the poster was supposed to be digital…hmm should’ve guessed that. The Facebook ad can only have 20% text well no shit but when I was creating them I completely forgot about that. I had tunnel vision and was more focused on the task of creating than the parameters. Do you know what a Facebook pixel is? I knew the answer but stupidly replied, ‘I’m sorry what?’  ‘I would like to see some of your work do you have a portfolio. My CPTSD hit the panic button. Lights were flashing and warning buzzards were going off. I muttered that my portfolio link is included with my Indeed resume. ‘No, it’s not there. Do you have anything to show me?’ Well of course not even though I had a folder right on my desktop. ‘ I intelligently muttered, ‘Is there WiFi here?’ GUYS WHO DOES THAT?! She asked me to send her a link. I almost completely shut down.

The interview was over and she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I promptly emailed her a link to my portfolio from the parking lot using my phone. I messaged my husband and told him I didn’t get the job and then I allowed myself to have the panic/meltdown attack that I was holding in. You know the relief you get in your chest from having to hold yourself together. I was no longer awkward and the cloud of noise lifted from head once my butt hit that car seat. After I was done crying I came home and went STRAIGHT to the Indeed website to add my portfolio link. Did you know that it was there? Apparently, she didn’t either. A few minutes later as I’m applying for more jobs the place I interviewed for posted and Indeed said my resume was a match. I read the post and she added more items and I quickly learned she was wanting someone with more experience. Someone that wasn’t me.

I wanted to scream for her to give me chance to see what I’m capable of but I just scrolled past. At this point, I wish anyone would give me a chance that understands what CPTSD can do to a person. I applied for other jobs and I’ll take a Xanax before walking into the interview to quiet everything in my head. I will do my stanza study this evening. I’m contemplating on putting on pants to go to work. Happy Wednesday everyone.

6 Word Story 22

This is something that I feel I haven’t been for a while and I would like to achieve. I know that there is a lot of practice and knowing that is involved. But, what do you do when you feel like you don’t have the time? Is there such a thing as ‘baby steps’ for this? There is people that can do this when they are stressed but I tend to go into full on panic mode.

Prompt Word: Centered

Inhale, slow. Exhale, slow. It’s ok.

May 22nd, 2017 PART 4

Meat and Matters and Questionable Acts-part 4

This brings me to today, Monday, May 22. I was so exhausted from the busy weekend and even managed to twist my knee. I showed up to work with to thermos cups. One with some really strong coffee and the other with my Dublin breakfast tea (that I will no longer be able to purchase more than likely). Right when I walked in I was immediately greeted with a sample of a very old concept for a product that hasn’t been made in about 5 years. It was more than likely a first version and someone wanted to recreate it. UGH! I so didn’t want to deal with that this morning. I sat down and began recreating this hideous art spec and was met by the CSR that was on a trip handing over an art spec request. I put it in my tray without even glancing at it. After I completed the hideous art, I looked at the request and seen that I had completed it for the older CSR (the one set in her ways and can do no wrong). I quickly forwarded it to her and walked out there to return the product sample to the older woman and the paper that the returning CSR brought. It was quickly snatched out of my hands and thrown in the recycling box for paper. I later received an apology from her stating that she wasn’t informed upon her return that the work had been done or informed of anything else for that matter.

I was having an OK day trying to draw a complicated black lab and duck logo for a jacket when I received a text from my husband (black lab and duck will be digitized for embroidery). I didn’t read it right away because it was normally and ‘I love you’ or ‘Miss you’. I wish I had read it when I was on my morning break. He had been walked off his job site Saturday by this guy that has been gunning for his dismissal since my husband started. I panicked. Panic is a fucking understatement! I went numb, a thousand horrible scenarios running through my head, questions that were now a serious concern. ‘How will I feed my family? How will we pay the car payment? Can we get by with the bare minimum? How and where do I find a 3rd job and time for it? How am I going to be able to continue to see my therapist or receive the medications I need? I don’t want to go back to the woman I was. The woman that caused her husband to leave and feel like he was walking on egg shells. The woman who couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t get out of bed. The woman that was easily triggered and couldn’t stand to hear my children laughing because the noise was to much. The woman that wasn’t the woman she knew she could and had to be. I cried in the bathroom, shaking, and couldn’t seem to catch my breath. My husband knew he couldn’t calm me.

The thing is, he kept this from me so it wouldn’t upset me during the meat raffle. He said that he seen that I was already under stress and wanted to make sure that I focused on the important matter at hand. I am entirely grateful for that. I’m pretty sire I would have lost my shit.

Now my question is: Can a spouse file a grievance through the union about this man having my husband fired? How do I pay for my doctors and medications?

I’m so scared. My husband helped cooking dinner and helping me find this time to write.

Scrambled Eggs and Scrambled Thoughts

With money now being tight (whole scenario of why in Journal Entry May 22nd – Part 4 which isn’t going to be published just yet but keep an eye out) and my husband offered to cook dinner to help keep my anxiety at bay. He’s really good at eggs and bacon. He was going to be adventurous and cook potatoes. I quickly took over because he wasn’t cutting them small enough for them to cook quickly and I was horrified at his knife skills.

Who doesn’t like breakfast for dinner. My family loves it and it’s quick and satisfying. I would have to admit that this was a go to meal for our family because there are time when we are just to busy or I forget to pull meat out of the freezer. He paired the potatoes with pepper bacon and the eggs were smooth and had tons of flavor. The meal was courtesy of the meat raffle. I spent more than I should have but I won the T-Bone dinner and the Breakfast dinner. It was kind of like having Blue Apron delivered (which my family and I are desperately going to miss since we have to cut back) because the eggs that I purchased were farm fresh eggs from a customer. I like the idea of supporting the local farms. The eggs were amazing. The bacon was thick cut and the taters tender.

I just have to try and keep my thoughts at bay. All the worries, what ifs, and negativity. He did amazing and even though we have tough times ahead we’ll be OK.

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