July 2nd, 2017

I haven’t posted a journal entry in a while but I have been exploring the poetry side of words and it’s more therapeutic for me. I have found a profound way to express feelings of anger, remorse, shame, guilt, sadness etc…

Tonight I have to work the bar during the town’s 4th of July celebration and as usual in nervous. The loud sounds and belligerent drunks remind me of my abuser. You’ll never forget the smell of whiskey and gun powder our the sound of your life almost coming to halt. Nevermind the thoughts of your children growing up without a mother. So tonight will be difficult but my husband will be here with me to help me through the hours.

I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy 4th whether you’re out enjoying life or trying to survive the festivities like myself.

I am the One Who

This was an exercise for repetition. I wanted to touch on something that was me, or happened to me. I try not to let it define me but here lately without my meds and therapist my thoughts are running rampant. Note: Possible trigger for others individuals. This one was for me and hit a personal aspect of my life I don’t talk about to hardly any one. I even wrote this as my husband slept next to me-wrote about what my ex-husband did.

I am the One Who…

I am the one who loved unconditionally.
I am the one who made excuses.
I am the one who deflected for the protection of others.
I am the one who kept things quiet.
I am the one who obeyed.
I am the one who disobeyed.
I am the one that bruised.
I am the one that bled.
I am the one who screamed ‘NO, you’re hurting me’ but he didn’t listen.
I am the one that hid pain.
I am the one that ran with my kids.
I am the one left with invisible scars.
I am the one that survived abuse.

June 14, 17

So Much to Tell

  1. New adventure starting July 6th
  2. Dinner havoc
  3. Fresh start
  4. Social Media integration
  5. Design ideas

UGH…more of frustrated screaming. The internet outage in my area was resolved but MY internet was still not acting right. Couldn’t log on to save my life. Called the provider again and was told that a tech needs to come to my house. BUT not until Thursday between 6-7 PM. Freaking awesome! I have 4 major posts to put on here.

Glad I’m not running an internet business. Bare with me guys, I’m working on it.

May 22nd, 2017

Meat and Matters and Questionable Acts

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few days and I will own that. BUT I have been writing and working on my Writers Boot Camp and will post that shortly. My journal entry for Friday the 19th to Today is going to either be a 2 or 3 part series simply because so much has happened. Let’s start with Friday.

Friday morning most of the office staff left for a trip to New Jersey and some had taken personal vacation days. This left the old and the new CSRs, both require an extreme amount of patience. The older individual is wise but also set in her ways which means no budging on the fact that her mistakes are just that, mistakes. Instead, she believes her experience excuses her from ownership of mistakes and that I should do what is asked in the art spec ONLY to have to change it several times causing more work and time spent on correcting a mistake rather than completing the artwork the first time the indiscretion was brought to her attention. So, I didn’t react like I really wanted to, I just did my work and moved on.

I not only did this because I didn’t need the stress but also because the younger, newer CSR was left alone without proper training. She was left without proper training because and older CSR decided that it was better to train her by having her watch the older CSR do the job that she was hired for with minimal explanation. So, I received an email with the art spec request with a message attached (which usually doesn’t occur unless it’s an edit to an at spec) saying, ‘I don’t have a book showing what this product is. I only have this years catalogs.’ How can she do her job when she doesn’t have all the material? I was able to hunt down PDF versions of our older product catalogs from 2013 and email them to her. When asked why I was running all around the factory and explaining the situation, I was then told, ‘That is not your job.’  I have been in her shoes and received the same treatment but I’m a lot tougher than this new CSR and continued to help her through the rest of Friday.

At lunch, an employee was telling me about how her husband was just in a wreck because they couldn’t afford the repairs and her car is in need of repairs. Plus on top of all that, it was their son’s birthday. They didn’t have anything to extravagant planned because the boy only wanted to fishing. Her husband sent her a text, ‘I can’t even afford to buy the worms.’ I could feel the heart break in the text. I threw out my cigarette and went inside. Looking back I’m pretty sure she thought I was the bitch that everyone claimed I was. Little did she know, I wanted to get to my wallet and back out to her before break was over. I wouldn’t have another chance to do what I wanted to do (and in front of everyone was not a time or place to do it). I handed her $40 which was all I had left and quickly walked back to my dungeon of creativity. I knew she was going to try to hand it back or say that she’ll pay me back and I didn’t want either.

I’m not bragging about my kindness on Friday, my reason is that I hope that you, the reader would do one act of kindness everyday. It makes a difference. The new CSR never turned in her 2 week notice because she is finally understanding her job. The birthday boy was able to go fishing with his dad and that it sparked a new interest to continue to be able to fish together. I was told today that he and his dad are learning to start their own small worm farm. Sometimes all it takes is a ripple. I also find that when I am able to help someone, however small, my depression subsides. So my question is: Does helping others aid in subsiding your C-PTSD or PTSD related depression?

I would love to hear about it.

Part 2 coming tomorrow.


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