Triggered Tokens

This has been a triggering past few days! Friday I couldn’t wait to get out of work and head home just relax before going to tend bar. My husband still hasn’t started working yet and at least ha d the kids taken care of and dinner somewhat figured out. I got to the bar and had a quiet but busy night. Most of my boys were up north or heading up north for their annual week long fishing trip. It was nice to get home before 2 am.

Saturday, with some sleep in me, I was able to wake up at a decent time and take the family to breakfast. They are wonderful understanding that money is tight and didn’t overdo the ordering. From there I dropped the girls off because they had plans with their girlfriends and my husband and I took our 7 year old with us to help me shop for the meat raffle items. I didn’t get much as most of the town (yes the town is that small) that hardly anyone would be there. When we were done, straight to the bar we headed and dropped everything off. On the way to the house to meet the girls, we stopped and got the veggies needed for the meals and pick up my prescription refills. That’s when I learned that our insurance was cut off. FUCKING fantastic! So now, no meds and my anxiety and depression is slowly getting worse. At least I could get to the car before I started to cry. Saturday night I was able to close around the same time and actually got the rest I needed and let’s face it, I was not in the right frame of mind.

I bought just the right amount of food for the people that showed up. It didn’t take long at all to raffle everything off and people stayed, talked, and laughed. It was a great day until the guy that is overseeing the bar came in. Told me absolutely no more giving to charity from the extra money earned then started interrogating about the money not reflecting the good meat raffle afternoons in the till. I was so numb. My ex husband would severely abuse me for money not being accounted for even after I had the proof through receipts and bank statements. I had flashbacks and started to shake. I had enough power to say tell them I needed a minute and walked outside for a cigarette. Here I am smoking, no meds, and terrible flashbacks. I was terrified. I closed after he left and cried the whole time while doing my closing checklist.

Monday, I could barely get out of bed. My depression was really bad. I was scared, no motivation. Throughout the night I had the same horrifying nightmare every time I would try to sleep. Luckily, my little clover, would lick my face and paw at my hand to wake me. I wish I had the money to train her as my service dog. She even helped me get out of bed. I just muddled through the day and when I got home from work I went straight to bed.

Today was the last day of school for the kids, and I wanted to do something nice for my son and his friend since the older kids went to the pool. So here we are, at an arcade/restaurant and all I can do is sit here and watch my baby and his friend run around and play because my body and mind doesn’t have the strength to be happy with them. My husband is doing awesome filling in. So, this is where I stand, on my phone, trying to keep a journal of what is happening, finding triggers, and at least not laying in bed. I have some writing to post when I get home. My son needs more tokens and win more tickets. I smile, “Good job buddy “.

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