Fandango’s Provocative Question #10

I’m trying to participate more in other blogs’ questions and story prompts and I still need to add my part to ‘finish the story’ (hoping to do that today). I’m trying to be more creative and more free-spirited but I’m also the one that loves to watch tutorials, look up how-to’s, reviews, pretty much anything that will help me find a blueprint to what I want to do. With that being said Fandango hosts a question that can help get those wheels turning.

“What is more important to you, doing the right thing or doing things right?”

Well, let’s see here. There are times that it’s easier for me to complete a task even though it’s not the ‘right way.’ It’s Jo’s way. I’m that person that it’s better to do the right thing. It’s easier for people to preach about what’s right or wrong but no one wants to demonstrate what’s right. Also, deciding if an action is ‘right’ can be a hard decision in itself. All of the pros and cons and what-ifs are thought of in a split second to reach a decision. Is it right to give a homeless man holding a sign money or better to bring him food? Do you do anything at all because you see in the news the fraud with the Go-Fund me campaign or the good Samaritan was robbed while trying to help? I think because of when and how I grew up affects my choices a great deal compared to younger people. I’ll help the elderly trying to reach the top shelf and the kid that’s trying to cross the road but traffic won’t stop. But for me, it’s about doing what’s right and I’m learning more about that through the Havamal.

Micro Thoughts

When I was little, I often thought about the insects in the yard and how life was for them being so small. Did they have school? Did insect parents go to work? Do they have fun? Or were their lives just simple daily tasks for survival? I would watch them in wonderment trying to figure them out. Now that I am older, a mom, wife, and employed, I understand. Their lives are no different from ours. We complete daily tasks for our survival (this includes my art and writing). Even we are micro in size compared to the universe.

I wanted to keep my response to the Discover Prompt: Micro, to 99 words challenging myself to write today (even at work). I was feeling ‘blah’ yesterday but writing brings me personal happiness and I’m trying to stay positive.

Day 4 – Late Posting (my hands do cramp with pen and paper but it works)

Write a bit about your favorite time and place to write.

In the evenings are my favorite time to write as of right now. I already have ideas flowing through my head while I’m cooking dinner and can’t wait to get them out on paper (and right now it’s writing for the boot camp, wondering what the next day’s topic) I would love to try and write, on the front porch with coffee in hand, morning robins singing, and a light blanket on my lap but my day job doesn’t allow that to happen. Maybe on Saturdays? In the evenings though, I am able to curl up on my bed with my bully clover (pit bull) curled by me side, and typing and clicking are the only sounds that come from my space. Evenings are the best. My pit bull, lap top, and a million thoughts running through my head only able to escape one at a time as the others build world’s of their own in my head.

Scrambled Eggs and Scrambled Thoughts

With money now being tight (whole scenario of why in Journal Entry May 22nd – Part 4 which isn’t going to be published just yet but keep an eye out) and my husband offered to cook dinner to help keep my anxiety at bay. He’s really good at eggs and bacon. He was going to be adventurous and cook potatoes. I quickly took over because he wasn’t cutting them small enough for them to cook quickly and I was horrified at his knife skills.

Who doesn’t like breakfast for dinner. My family loves it and it’s quick and satisfying. I would have to admit that this was a go to meal for our family because there are time when we are just to busy or I forget to pull meat out of the freezer. He paired the potatoes with pepper bacon and the eggs were smooth and had tons of flavor. The meal was courtesy of the meat raffle. I spent more than I should have but I won the T-Bone dinner and the Breakfast dinner. It was kind of like having Blue Apron delivered (which my family and I are desperately going to miss since we have to cut back) because the eggs that I purchased were farm fresh eggs from a customer. I like the idea of supporting the local farms. The eggs were amazing. The bacon was thick cut and the taters tender.

I just have to try and keep my thoughts at bay. All the worries, what ifs, and negativity. He did amazing and even though we have tough times ahead we’ll be OK.

Why Am I Tattooed??

I have been asked repeatedly why I’m covered in tattoos? Or had comments like, ‘You would be a much more beautiful person if you didn’t ruin your body with tattoos. I never got offended but couldn’t figure out why. So I just thought about it a bit and flashed to memory from my past.

I normally don’t talk about the past much because it causes a lot in my head and then my body reacts either in the form of a paralyzing panic attack, 3 days in bed and crying or even a nose bleed. Sometimes it’s all 3. But this is different.

Tattoos are my shield and history. How I came to this conclusion was memory. When I was dating my  ex-husband he said that his family were strict Pentecostals and that they didn’t believe in body modifications, haircuts, and whole lot of other things that I don’t remember and really don’t care to. Long story short, to protect myself from him throughout the years I would have new ink added. It was my shield. I would be less attractive to him and he believed that we would never be together because I defiled my body.

My ink is my shield, illustrated story of my survival, celebration of not being with him anymore, my art and ideas, and history of my family and beliefs. I’m proud of what I have and still a firm believer that my ink is my shield as it offers insight to other people and helps make a quick decision of who to consider worthy of my time.

Don’t let other people’s opinions get in your head over your decisions. You do what protects you from anxiety, depression, and other people.

April 28, 2017

 I feel like I have hit a wall. Not with my new blog but with my job and having PTSD. Luckily for me I had a Therapy session already scheduled and we had a plan to talk about my self criticism but I needed much more after experiencing the level of panic attack I have never achieved before. Yes, achieved is a positive spin on what’s going on in my head. I know the specific warning signs now and know how to get through it (and everyone else involved) in one piece.

My therapist noticed that I was rocking and wringing my hands and instead of asking me if I was OK (which is bothersome to me sometimes simply because people wouldn’t be able to understand the word vomit that would spew forth), he simply asked what was bothering me. This is a language I can understand and can’t shut it down with a simple, ‘fine’ or ‘nothing’. I explained in great detail and I came to an epiphany. Just because I feel something doesn’t make it true. Think about it, how many times have you felt like a failure and stayed in a repetitive cycle because your feelings felt were to be true? SO…this is something that I am now working on. FEELINGS ARE NOT GOSPEL – my mantra today.

I felt better after leaving but still felt like I had a monkey on my back. After sulking and replaying the events of the day that I had at work I realized I had another life changing decision to make: Do I keep going to a job I loathe with every part of my being, to quit? If I quit, do I do it 2 week notice style? Or do I deliberately try to get fired. Being in the career field that I am in, it’s competitive and unfortunately the younger you are, the less money you’ll work for and replace us dinosaurs.

P.S. I hate being an adult sometimes.

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